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Ask-A-Coach Bulletin Board!

Our old-timers probably remember that our old board was experiencing inappropriate posting on an ongoing basis. To offer you a better coaching service, we are providing a moderated board. Email me any coaching-related questions and comments you might have! I will post them to our board with my coaching replies. (In the meantime, I've populated our board with questions and answers from our old one!)

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We hope that this forum offers you useful insights and information. This is currently a free-of-charge area; however by using this forum you are agreeing that the opinions expressed here are for educational purposes only. A professional coach is not a therapist, health care professional, lawyer, or accountant but a specialized personal and business development consultant.

I want to learn more about time management...

Anon.

Time management is almost always an item my clients eventually bring to their coaching calls. I will share a few items in a two-part message, and would be happy to carry this further with you if you want to email me.

Part 1 - where to get started with time management

First we need to answer the question "What are the values, passions, motivators, and priorities of the person whose time are you going to manage?".

Until we have an idea of what we most want to do with our time, we cannot very well manage it.

If your objectives and priorities are to be an incredibly effective business person, then you will need to use certain time management methods.

If you value adventure and recreation and personal freedom, and wish to have a lifetime of rich experience, then you might use different methods.

If you are a home-schooling or primary-care parent, then you might be looking at yet other methods.

So who ARE you? List the five things you want to achieve in the next five years. List five issues or topics that get your juices flowing. List the ten values, passions, and motivators that are the real YOU.

If you do this, then you have made a solid first step towards great time management.

We will talk about how to proceed from here next time. Feel free to post on this subject, or email me at coach@possibilitiescoaching.com

Warmly,
Katie

Part two...taking good time management a step further...

If you go to your doctor, would you want him to prescribe his medication du jour, or would you want him to diagnose you first?

Just as we discussed in "part one", we need to create a time management system that is as individual as we are, in order for it to be effective.

In part one, we discussed the need to determine what you really want to do with your time.

Here is the next suggestion: what is currently missing from the way you handle your time?

The best way to find out is a brief time diary. We want this to be quick and easy; so plan to take ten or fifteen minutes a day with this. For the next week, I'd like you to work on this two or three times a day, and chart how you are using your time each hour. Thus, every six or seven hours I'd like you to map out how you've used that time. How much time is being wasted on items that are neither urgent or important (like conversations that aren't leading to more meaningful or productive relationships, or TV time that isn't truly relaxing for you, or time spent feeling so exhausted you can't get off the sofa). How much time is spent doing chores. What kind of chores? How much time are you working? How much time are you investing in those areas you've already identified as key priorities in your life?

This time map is a very useful tool in moving to part three of time management. "See" you next time!

Feel free to post if you have questions or comments on this, or anything else.

Coach Katie

I am unhappy in my current job. I'd like to switch to a different career, but don't want to wind up the same way. How can I know what I want to do when I grow up?

Martha N.

Dear Martha,

Many of my clients wish to explore their career options. There are a number of good ways to go about doing this, and I recommend a multi-faceted approach.

First, without getting too complicated about it, ask yourself this "What do I really WANT to do?". Pretend that training, your age, your assumed competence, and logistics were not factors. Think also about what you really loved to do as a child, before your dreams started getting squashed by more practical concerns. Think about the activities that you currently get lost in, that you truly enjoy. I strongly recommend capturing your thoughts in a career notebook or journal.

Next, consider some good assessment instruments. I believe that the PIAV assessment is an excellent instrument to get to the heart of what your values and passions are. I am certified as a PIAV analyst, and would be happy to discuss this with you if you are interested.

Also consider the myriad environmental factors that go into a happy career choice. What level of responsibility/pressure/deadlines work best for you? What level of creativity, or routine, do you prefer? How much social interaction do you want to have in your job? WHERE in the country do you wish to work? What sort of people do you most wish to work with? What level of compensation do you require? Again, write this down.

Put the picture together, and brainstorm all the careers that might fit this picture. There are a number of other great questions you can ask yourself, but this is a good start! Let me know if I can assist further.

Warmly,
Coach Katie

ML

I am writing an e-book on this subject, since many of my clients bring this issue to coaching. If you can hold on until the beginning of next year, it will be free for my newsletter subscribers and clients! Otherwise, feel free to set up a free complimentary session at 1-877-581-0623

No Name Please

Yes, I do. I just wrote an article on the subject for my winter newsletter, which you can subscribe to at http://www.possibilitiescoaching.com/ezine.htm

Here are some of my tips, in brief:

1) This is the season for your "Absolute Yes List". Review your commitments for this season, and ruthlessly trim out any that do not rate an "absolute yes".

2) Exercise your right (and responsibility) to practice excellent self-care.

3) Manage your own expectations.

4) Don't seek to be a candidate for the next Oscar...although this is definitely not the time for a family or workplace confrontation, neither does it help to act a part you don't feel. Being a holiday "actor" exuding holiday cheer and affection can exacerbate feelings anxiety and loneliness. Find that powerful line between respecting your truth and respecting the feelings of others. You probably have found great strategies for this already in respectfully dealing with difficult strangers or acquaintances or situations in which you don't want to participate. These could very well work for you now.

5) Practice moderation...
...in food, in spending, in anything holiday.

6) Think of one or two simple things that would bring you joy this holiday season...and make them happen.

I hope these tips help!

Warmly,
Coach Katie Grames

I have several thoughts for you, which I will also email to you.

First, it is usually wise to begin with the end in mind. 

What do you really want your days - and current lifestyle - to look like? What would feel meaningful, productive, yet less stressful and less exhausting? Once you start visualizing it, think of one thing you could do in the next thirty days to bring you one step closer to this. And, for the long term, think of what might need to happen in order for this vision to become a reality. 

Next, I'd like you to consider -everything- you can cut out of your life right now. Often, we simply have too much going on. You obviously can't quit your job or disown your children, but there are many commitments/activities you probably can eliminate, no matter how painful that might be. I'd like you to consider what you could eliminate. On a related note, what tasks can you delegate on a regular basis? 

I'd also like you to make a time map, discussed earlier in this board. In whatever time increments make sense to you - somewhere between 15 minute and 1 hour increments - I'd like you to track your days for 7 days. Look for slots of time that can be re-engineered or used differently. Look for lost opportunities. And...look for time that could be gained by eliminating those unessential from your life right now.

Best of luck as you seek a more effective use of your time,

Katie 

My daughter is a senior in high school. It seems unlikely at this point that she will choose a college within driving distance. Since I have been widowed for many years, my daughter has been the center of my life. Although I have often wished for more time to pursue my own interests, I am afraid that, left to my own devises, I will be lonely and bored. Can you help me to prepare for this major life change?

Monica

I have a long response to this, as it is a very significant life transition. I have two separate suggestions for you. The first deals with how to manage a possible grief and loss response. The second deals with how to commit to your own personal renaissance. I also have a list of books and web sites for you to explore at the end of this response, which I hope you find useful.

Many parents experience an "empty nest" grief reaction similar to that of a painful divorce. (Others report no difficulties at all, so it can be quite individual). I've read that it is a good idea to start preparing when one's child is a senior in High School, so you are doing well! Parents often have a good sense about the level of difficulty they may experience. Some have found it extremely useful to seek out one or two "mentors"; "empty nest" women who have had the same kind of response that they are experiencing, and who have successfully and happily weathered it. I also would strongly urge building a support network now, to support you then. You might consider "mentors", good friends, possibly a formal support group. Some women have found counseling helpful in sorting out their feelings. Support is extremely important in dealing with loss, and having one's last or only child leave home can be experienced as a very profound loss indeed. Think of other strategies that might support you during this time. Troubleshoot possible strategies and plans of attack with someone who knows you well.

Along the same lines, parents have said that it was extremely helpful to fill their calendars comfortably full of enjoyable events ahead of time…before their child actually left home. Have a specific plan for the dealing with the first few days your child is gone, which may be the hardest. Some women report many tears and much grief, so you might consider social engagements with close and understanding friends during this time. Then consider classes you've wanted to take, shows you might see with friends, workshops or retreats or recreational pursuits you might enjoy. Consider volunteer work that would feel meaningful. Schedule your first months alone in July or August, so you have a structure to support you when the time comes (and when you don't feel like planning anything). You don't want to be too busy, and you do want to honor the significance of this transition. On the other hand, having pre-arranged things to do, places to go, and people to meet has helped a number of transitioning parents.

The next piece of business is this. For eighteen years, you have been nurturing this wonderful young woman, and helping her reach her potential. You have most likely done a magnificent job. Will you now commit to your own personal renaissance? Decide you are going to take this energy, this time, and this focused attention, and take yourself to the next level of personal growth! You can explore what you really want to accomplish. I might suggest that you dream of all the things you'd really love to do. And I would also suggest some structure. Which of these would you like to really accomplish in the next year? The next two years? Commit to it! Let this be the new focus of your finely honed personal development skills! The structure might also be the anecdote for the boredom and loneliness you feel. As you commit to this new level of growth, I would also suggest committing to as much time with others as you feel comfortable with. Social connections will combat the loneliness too. A creativity group or success group (or multiple groups) might be an excellent idea too.

The following are books and websites that discuss being an empty nest parent. I hope you find them useful as you grow through this life transition!

Books: Empty Nest . . . Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College Andrea L. Van Steenhouse Highly recommended as a helpful resource.

And Suddenly They're Gone : What Parents Need to Know About the Empty Nest by Patricia S. Olson Highly recommended as healing, and wise, and full of suggestions.

It's Time: Explore Your Dreams and Discover Your Gifts Diane Noble

Web sites: http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/m1041/5_77/54396659/p1/article.jhtml Article on dealing with an empty next (page down a bit for the beginning of the article)

http://www.emptynestmoms.com/ Bulletin boards, chats, many articles, and more.

http://healing.about.com/cs/emptynest/ Empty Nest Syndrome - Grief From Separation Resources...many good resources

http://www.epinions.com/kifm-Empty_Nest_Syndrome Some of these articles are really sad! Some are inspiring as the parents have happily made it to the other side. Read with caution!

http://rainforest.parentsplace.com/dialog/get/emptynest.html This is a bulletin board where you can discuss being an "empty nest" parent with those in a similar situation. Or, you can simply read what others have had to say. The same caveat applies here as applies to the link above.

Best regards,

Katie

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