The winner of my “most common parenting tip from good parents” contest was: Enjoy your child. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily work and problems of family life, and so easy to forget to simply enjoy your child. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the gift of knowing that their parents not only care about their needs, but take joy in who they are.

A tie for first place in the “most common parenting tip” is be resourceful and persistent in finding ways to get adequate rest. Be resourceful and persistent in finding ways to recharge your own battery. Under what conditions do you think parents behave the worst? Under what conditions do you think parents behave the best? Exhausted parents can more easily lose their temper, make bad decisions, and have difficulty being fully emotionally available to their children. It may seem impossible to find time for yourself. However, you will be a better parent, you are setting an example for your children to learn from, and you are creating the quality of life you deserve.

The third most commonly offered piece of parenting advice was this:  Do what you need to do to stay in touch with your children, their feelings, their needs, they daily lives, their friends. Stay connected. This is important when they are young, because prior to the age of eight most of a child’s social needs are met in the family. The emotional closeness you will have with your child is being built during these years. Your values are being communicated during these years. This is important when they are in middle childhood because they so need your guidance and support. This is important in adolescence, as shown in many studies that link close parental relationships with more responsible behavior, better grades, and less likelihood of drug use, teenage pregnancy, and other dangerous behaviors. It is interesting to note that one of the common threads in teenage violence is that often neighbors, teachers, and friends are aware that trouble is brewing, but the parents are oblivious to the fact. This is, of course, an extreme example but it is instructive. Again, stay as connected as you possibly can.

Have a basic, clear and consistently enforced set of rules and consequences. 

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Try your best to see their behavior, their situation, their responses, your responses, their world, from their viewpoint. For more on how to gain insight into your child and their unique perspective and feelings, read the excellent book A Good Enough Parent : A Book on Child-Rearing by Bruno Bettelheim, Anne Freedgood.

Don’t expect their behavior to be better than yours. Hey! Are you yelling? Are you less than respectful? If you are acting in anger or impatience, ask yourself if your words, your tone of voice, your behavior would be acceptable coming from your child. If not, is it acceptable from you? If not, what do you need in order to be the parent you want to be? Determine what it is, and go after it.

Try your best to keep a sense of perspective. Will that trait that is so challenging now be a terrific trait in an adult? What do you want to teach them over the long run, and how does your discipline strategy fit in with that? Is the behavior that is bothering you right now a self-resolving phase, or something that is fairly small in the scheme of things? If so, what should your response be in light of this? When you look back at your own parenting 20 years from now, what behaviors do you want to remember? Remember not to major on the minor points. 

Study who they are, and nourish and encourage exactly that. They will not be exactly who you thought your children would be, nor will they be exactly who you wanted your children to be. They are who they are, and that is quite wonderful. Find out exactly who they are, what their passions are, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and “coach” them according to these.

Studies I've read and parents of incredible teenagers have discussed this next important point.  Steer your child towards the peer groups from which you wish them to choose friends. This is one of the most important things you can do to shape your child. You can’t pick their friends, and you cannot easily “unpick” their friends, but you can steer them towards involvement in groups of great, well-adjusted kids. You might consider church or religious youth groups, academic or special interest clubs, or athletic clubs. Give them enough to choose from that their social contacts will be wholesome and worthwhile. Again, a number of parents told me that this was their personal key to success, and this is one of the items parenting studies have singled out as a true area of parental influence.

Know that you can nurture your child into a moral, compassionate, responsible person. Find out how. This topic is larger than a paragraph will allow. Excellent books have been written on the subject. Here are a few which I highly recommend: 

I hesitate to write this next section because I don't want to insult your wisdom and common sense. That being said, this article would not be complete without stating the most basic parenting advice. People of all ages need to be treated with respect. They need to be hear words of praise and acknowledgement. Children especially do not thrive if they hear a great deal of shouting, if they hear more negative feedback than positive, if they do not have stable, consistent routines and a stable, safe environment with a safe, loving, reliable caregiver(s). They need to have their physical needs consistently and appropriately met. They also need fun, interesting, stimulating experiences. They  need to be regularly challenged in a way that is one attainable step above what they are doing now, so that their challenges do not consistently frustrate them into feeling helpless and foolish. As stated earlier, they need loving, appropriate physical contact. They need those who care about them to take time to understand who they are, what their interests are, what they dislike, and what makes them "tick".  They need to be loved...just like you and I do.